Monday, April 13, 2009

Breaking up

I would say one of the the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my so far (relatively short 22 years) life is that of a break up.

Heartache hurts more than any physical pain I have experienced so far, and there is just no real way to escape it. 

I have always tried to avoid getting really hurt in a relationship. I probably never really put in 100% - I guess you can say that I am selfish, but I guess one of my biggest fears is to be completely vulnerable to another person. 

"Smart" quotes always tell you to give it your 100%, and "love like you've never been hurt before", and things like "it's better to have love and lost, then never to have loved at all." But seriously, I think very few people who have actually experienced heartbreak before would actually go into future relationships 100% again without some sort of self control and protection. 

The first time I was really heartbroken was breaking up with my first bf. I couldn't eat, couldn't concerntrate, and cried myself to sleep every night. I thought I would never care about anyone else again. It was one of the worst months of my life. 

After that experience, I learned my lesson and 'protected' myself. I never really trusted another guy again, and also used "self control" - not falling head over heels for people and always trying to limit myself in not making someone too important in my life. 

Recently, I broke up with my bf. We almost reached 1.5 years. These two weeks since things ended have been so confusing and difficult. I've cried, laughed, then cried again (oh my god I'm not crazy.. i swear x_X!!) I've never experienced anything like it. 

Sometimes I feel bitter over how things turned out, because I feel that it was he who chose a future path that didn't include me. 

Sometimes I feel regret, over things I could have done differently (such as starting the relationship in the first place!! haha jkjk). 

Sometimes I'm so sad, because we had such happy times together and yet things still came to an end. 


It's confusing to me, and I don't know if it is because I am too naiive. Friends have said "sometimes you meet the right person, but it's just not the right time or place." or "sometimes no matter how much u love someone you just can't be with them."

Well these things sound bullshit to me. Coz IF you do love someone then what is there to stop you from being together?

Maybe he just didn't love me.

I don't know. It doesn't matter anymore. I hate break ups.


Thrila said...

I can understand the frustration. Sadly (or happily?) I have yet to experience a true break up, heartache yes, break up no. I've been with my boyfriend for what is going to be 3 years in August, and we have been going up and down and around like a roller coaster, and every time I contemplate and get super close to breaking up, I fall apart. It's a huge mixture of sadness and anger, I'll be really sad because I know how much I poured into the relationship and I shouldn't be the one is leaving and then I get really angry because I feel like though there were great times in the 3 years, if it is going to end, it was just a waste.

The last part gets me the most because I've lost a lot of people while in this relationship, such as I've learned a lot of super close guy friends really only wanted to be friends in hopes of starting a relationship with me. And to lose them and never get them back over a relationship that might not work, I think that is where all the anger comes from.

My advice to you is not to love with all your heart, like you've never been hurt, don't listen to that junk. We make stupid choices that way. My advice is to just take a second and think. Think about how your relationship is moving, if it is going where you want it to. Also, talk, I've messed up and ended up so unhappy at times because I thought it was better to keep my mouth shut rather than to tell my boyfriend just how I felt. In my opinion, those are the most vital and important things that will help bring the relationship to its full potential, whether that means staying together or breaking up.

Ah, I wrote too much =_=;; sorry.

HimeHood said...

Break ups suck! And losing someone so close to you!

Its normal to feel crap then happy then crap again and a whole mixture of feelings, I mean, now you have to get used to not having someone there!

You will pull through! There is a whole life to look forward to!! See this as just one of life's many chapters!

Hope you're feeling better!

Adison said...

Breakups don't suck as bad as a devoice, there is no point dragging your past in to the future.

Or else you will regret it later on.

ayuko said...

such a loser. nuff said

sealion said...

Aww..I feel the same.I'm in similar situation as yours. Wish you feeling better! : )